O. M. G. I am finally doing this! I have been wanting to do this for soooooooo long and I have to thank my incredible boyfriend for kicking my ass in gear to actually get it going. I have taken on a big, scary challenge. It has been sitting in my brain forever, budding with branches of ideas and sparks and visions. Yet alas, it stayed there in my brain for a very long, sad, lonely, dark, trapped time…until now!
So here’s the truth. For a while now, I have felt, very… incomplete, lacking, non-abundant. I knew that I was pushing away the thing that I love most and I didn’t know why. I was pushing it wayyyy down deep inside of me and was being too cool for school to acknowledge that I was taking part in this behavior. Everything was FINE. Yes, I said FINE. FINE SUCKS! I HATE FINE! Fine is adequate. Fine is mediocre. For me, FINE just isn’t good enough. Not only was it not good enough, it was BREAKING MY ASS DOWN. The weird thing was, I didn’t really know this was happening. I knew that I was having trouble sleeping at night. I knew that when people would ask “How are you?” it was like the death question. I still struggle with that one, honestly. It’s so simple, but so loaded. I will get into that on another blog/episode.
Anyways, back on topic. Can you tell I’m an ADD loony? I thought about censoring, editing…but then I said, you know what - that’s who I am, so deal with it. I’m all over the place. I’m a spaz. I’m a Gemini. I can change personalities in a split second based on environmental changes. Okay, I know that sounds scary. Whatever. I’m done with trying to be the perfect fit. I’m done. Done, done DONE. Take me or leave me. I’m sticking to it.
My anxiety, was being caused by continuously trying to figure out what was wrong with me…why I wasn’t good enough…why I wasn’t doing x and y yet…why this person was doing this and I’m still doing that. Why I couldn’t create this, or express that, or come up with this, or get this job, or go this place or pick this thing up, or blah blah blah blah blah blah BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!
The mind is a crazy place. Trust me, I feel crazy on a daily basis. Not felt, FEEL. I am saying all of this- because when I read about someone in my similar place in life, occupation, etc. and they are vulnerable enough to put their truth out there- I AM INSPIRED. I am not only inspired, but glimmers of hope re-appear and move me to take action.
With that said-
Welcome to the very FIRST episode of my BRAND NEW unnamed SHOW!!! This is a big ol’ work in progress and I will be learning as I go. The challenge I set for myself is to put out a new video every week (or two weeks, let me be honest as I get my shit together) and shoot it in my newly formed DIY home studio. I call it a studio, and it’s really just a painted wall, a couple of lights and some other makeshift stuff, but it’s a START! That’s exactly the BLOCK I’ve been having. So, I’m demolishing that block by just effing STARTING. Yah, there’s a ton that can be worked on and improved. TRUST I know. Yet if I don’t start, I won’t get to improve on anything. HALLEMUTHAF-INGLUJAH.
My goal with this experimental project is to not only feature choreography, but to be vulnerable in doing so. This is my main intention for 2015. Through vulnerability, and having the courage to expose who I truly am, comes my honest, most creative, authentic self. The world is going to judge us anyways, so we might as well do what the hell we want!
Thank you for watching. This is episode ONE.